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Vasile Bajurean în timpul unei lecţii de muzică

Vasile Bajurean, profesor de muzică şi conducător artistic al colectivului "Mărgăritărelele" alături de soţia Valentina
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Adăugat 28 Ian 2009 Linda

Total comentarii : 1
1 Bayu   [Intrare]
Hi:I'm not really cobaortfmle with critiquing others scripts, being a struggling writer myself, but I've found it can be really helpful with rewrites to hear everything, warts and all. I'm writing this as I am reading the script, making my notes as they are fresh. If you're anything like me, you would appreciate the honest criticism, both positive and negative.*Your main characters, Silence and Whisper, need to be physically described better so the reader can differentiate from the two. Right now, seventeen pages in, they also speak alike, which is a bit confusing.*Also, the dissolve from the sheriff's office to the woods was confusing as Silence and Whisper begins speaking to each other. I thought I was still with the officers watching the security tape from the street.*I'm curious where this is going, with the body in the bag, so good job holding the reader's attention there!*How do we know the the town's birthday is held at the end of every summer ? Maybe you could add something like: A huge banner is spread high across the lightposts, encompassing the street. In colorful block letters it reads 93rd ANNUAL ALPINE BIRTHDAY FESTIVAL . Or something like that. Showing is always better than telling, much more visual.*In your action paragraphs, you use the names of the characters frequently. It's ok to use pronouns (they, she, even the girls or the officers ) it would make the read smoother.*On page 23, when Candy makes the remarks about being employed for so long you write Jack and Tim grin. So far I've seen quite a few instances of this, just stating the reaction of the characters. I think it would be more interesting and descriptive to write something along the lines of Candy's stoic comment on her position evokes a sincere smile from both the officers. *Also, again, not to be nitpicky, but several times in your action paragraphs you include dialouge. Ex. Candy's eyes follow them as they walk away and she murmurs to herself If I was forty years younger'. This really needs to be a separate line of dialouge to itself.*More description is needed of the locations, ex. Whipser and Silence's cabin. What type of cabin is it? Write what you see, just a few adjectives will help the reader visualize the scene.*Your introduction of Morris needs a description of his character. I know you mention his description earlier in the diner scene, but I think it would help here also. Also, all characters names need to be capitalized in the action paragraphs upon their introduction. I know he was introduced earlier, his body cut up in a bag, but this is really the frist time the reader sees him. And who is Felix and Bo? Just tell us a brief line about them so we know what role they play.*It's also best to enter scenes late and leave them early, for example maybe start the scene with the Miller's during the interogation of the couple rather than the whole lead up of going to find the receipt, etc.*I've noticed a few instances of the character's name in between the dialogue twice. ex. Morris page 34 at the bottom. Just a quick proof read to clear those instances out!*All of the flashbacks are confusing. If someone wasn't being very detailed in their reading, they could be lost.*I had a hard time buying that the two officers were involved and that they would dispose of Felix's body like they did. This would pose some serious problems for them after Fade Out .*I think you have a story here, especially if you focused more on Whisper and Silence when they were children, subjected to the criminal actions of their parents. Now that would be unique and something that isn't seen everyday.VN:F [1.9.17_1161](from 0 votes)

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